If You Were Ace

This piece by Xin Rong Chua is a parody of "If You Were Gay" from the musical Avenue Q and was inspired by the following discussion on Reddit.

ROD
Aah, an afternoon alone with
My favorite book, "Broadway
Recipes of the 1940s."
No roommate to bother me.
How could it get any better than this?

NICKY
Oh, hi Rod!

ROD
Hi Nicky.

NICKY
Hey Rod, you'll never
Guess what happened to
Me on the subway this morning.
This guy had a magazine ad with hot guys and babes

ROD
That's very interesting.

NICKY
But he was frowning real badly
And muttering how attraction made no sense to him.
I think he might be ace!

ROD
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?
Why should I care?
I don't care.
What did you have for lunch today?

NICKY
Oh, you don't have to get
All defensive about it, Rod...

ROD
I'm NOT getting defensive!
What do I care about some ace guy you met, okay?
I'm trying to read.

NICKY
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod.
I just think it's something we should be able to talk about.

ROD
I don't want to talk about it,
Nicky! This conversation is over!!!

NICKY
Yeah, but...

ROD
OVER!!!

NICKY
Well, okay, but just so you know —

(begins singing)

If you were ace,
Don’t hide your face
Because this place
Is a welcoming space
Because you see
If it were me
I would be unfazed
To say that I was ace
(But I’m not ace)

ROD
Nicky, please!
I am trying to read....
What?!

NICKY
If you were queer,

ROD
Ah, Nicky!

NICKY
I’d still be here

ROD
Nicky, I'm trying to read this book.

NICKY
Year after year

ROD
Nicky!

NICKY
Because you’re dear to me

ROD
Argh!

NICKY
And I know that you

ROD
What?

NICKY
Would accept me too

ROD
I would?

NICKY
If it were the case
That I was ace
(But I’m not ace)

I’m happy
Just being with you

ROD
(Reading from book)
Banana cake, oat muffins

NICKY
So what should it matter to me
Who or what you do in bed?

ROD
Nicky, that's gross!

NICKY
No it's not!

If you were ace
We’d still be baes!

ROD
I am not listening!

NICKY
Let’s go run a race

ROD
La la la la la!

NICKY
Or simply watch cows graze

ROD
Aaaah!

NICKY
You can count on me
To always be
In your life’s every phase
With an understanding gaze
That you aren’t a nutcase
For it’s the case
It’s not a passing craze
You’re ace

ROD
BUT I'M NOT ACE!

NICKY
If you were ace.

ROD
Argh!