Aceing Agender Relationships
Perhaps I should constantly wear a t-shirt proclaiming my sexual orientation as an asexual and gender identity as an agender, but that probably wouldn’t solve the problem.
The problem is deeper than that. It’s in the abyss of the societal psyche. The problem is people are only taught the barest of minimum about the sweeping reaches of relationship identity. People are taught to only see what’s in the box, and that box is projected into every medium available to humankind. If you don’t fit in the box, then it’s generally agreed on that something is terribly wrong with you and that you should seek mental and/or physical treatments. Wow! That is so wrong. Yet every day non-binary people look this wrongness straight in the eye.
First, let’s go back to the heteronormative box. Inside it quietly nestled are a man and a woman. There’s a script underneath them telling the acceptable story of a marriage and kids, with a home of their own and probably a pet or two.
Sadly this box and its enclosures are the only acceptable venue for the societal hierarchy (it’s a paternal hierarchy too, but I won’t get into that.). This preposterous ideology is forced on us from our earliest memories of watching cartoons or having bedtime stories read to us as tiny children. Yet, because of this, many people who don’t fit into that box feel invalidated and it can lead to mental and emotional turmoil. This genderfication deeply poisons society’s subconscious to the point that society as a whole doesn’t even realize that it is there, yet they unknowingly participate in it multiple times a day. Their very thoughts are polluted with this venom and they spray it without even thinking about it.
The first step in perverting this heteronormative box of relationships is to nullify this dangerous and exclusionist subconscious. Stop referring to clothes as ‘girls’ or ‘boys.’ Stop remarking on someone’s hairstyle as being too boyish or girlish. Let makeup be worn by whoever chooses it. Bags are bags. There is no ‘man bags’ or ‘lady’s handbags.’ Colors are colors, none of which are feminine or masculine. Teachers, speakers, and those addressing large groups, it’s time to drop the ‘ladies and gentlemen’ and/or ‘boys and girls.’ When I taught preschool, I called my students caterpillers, it’s gender non-conforming and they loved the visualization. If society stopped the gender classifications with everything then the non-binary folks could begin stretching their legs free of the abusive bigots. Then they could crush that heteronormative box and change could happen.
It isn’t just children though, it affects adults too.
As a feminine agender asexual, this box costs me a lot of platonic relationships. I was born with ‘girl parts’ and that’s all most people see. I’ll be turning forty-years-old this year and people think that I’m some sort of maneater. I’m getting older and I’m not married, so that must be my life’s goal. Furthermore, I’m a friendly person. I enjoy chatting and joking with people without regard to their gender. This past summer alone, I was accused of being a seductress by four different cisgender men. Even telling them my gender identity and orientation did nothing to sway their rampant accusations. I enjoyed these individuals as FRIENDS, totally platonic. Yet, they continued to live inside their box and continued to try to damage my credibility as a person in the community. So, I did the only thing I could, I cut them off.
This heteronormative overly sexualized subconsciousness is damaging even for cisgender people. There is nothing wrong with opposing genders being two or more parts of a platonic relationship. Furthermore, gender should never be a deciding factor in someone’s worth as a friend, whether they are cis or non-binary.
Likewise, in that vein, staying out of relationships is perfectly valid. Being alone and independent is just the thing for some individuals. There are many deciding factors for people who choose to avoid partnerships. No, it doesn’t fit in the box either, and the people who have only learned about the heteronormative box and closed off their minds to any ideas beyond it will never understand unless it is crushed. Non-conformity is a good thing. It’s what instigates change.
Giving a voice and a platform to non-binary individuals and their friends standing happily outside this box is the best way to project the new normal. There are more than two genders. There are more than heterosexual relationships. Every gender, every relationship, is valid. The choice to avoid relationships is valid. As Gandhi said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.”
Together we can change society’s bigoted views and crush the heteronormative relationship box that we are all expected to live inside of, but to do that we must first use our voices, either in person, in film, or in writing. Only our voices can teach others beyond the scope of the barest minimum that they’ve been taught for centuries so that the societal psyche that so desperately needs it can be reprogrammed.
