Turning

We were laying in a dark room
Clothes on,
Thank god,
And you asked me about the craziest thing I’d ever done

And I don’t even know how to answer you,
But I try to,
Because the longer I talk, 
The longer we don’t have to kiss,
The less I have to worry about 
When this unspoken expectation will swallow me up
And whether or not 
It will spit me out.

I’ve already closed my door to you; 
Tried too hard to be someone you want,
Never once thinking
Of what I needed, 
Never deemed myself enough to even pose the question. 
 
And fuck me,
(But don’t, please)
I don’t even know how to write this poem,
Don’t know what words to use
To explain to you
What this feels like,
 
I’m building this cathedral 
With blueprints that don’t exist; 
I’m standing there with two support beams,
And nothing to connect them with,
I don’t have time to figure it out;
I have to return this bulldozer by midnight.
 
I want to scream,
And cry,
And just be held,
And loved,
But I don’t know who can do it
Don’t know who will understand it,
Who will understand me.
My whole life
Has been one big misunderstanding
And now that’s woven into the fabric of who I am.
 
The craziest thing I’ve ever done
Is turn that evil in on myself,
And think that I could turn me good,
I mean turn me on,
I mean turn undone,
Twist myself inside out,
Into the opposite of who I was
Into what you want me to be.
 
It is all I have ever wanted
But it is only now I’m realizing
That it was never meant to be. 
 
It will take a lifetime to unlearn. 
 
This, at least,
I can begin now.