cw: this is a performance writing exercise and includes inappropriate language (this includes the word fa——-, which the author identifies themselves by).

It taught me that femininity creates

And masculinity destroys

Creator and destroyer in me

When I was a child… when i was young… when I was… EVERYTHING

and then nothing

When ur a faggot in a Man’s world

U learn to hide urself

Plug up the holes on a

Sinking ship

U slip up sometimes

Feel the wrath of a

Fist or two

U learn to justify loneliness

Let urself convince urself

It’s okay

U learn to scream silently

Make little noises that convey

Ur sorrow

U see when ur a faggot in a

Man’s world ur not a

man at all

Ur a faggot 

>----------------------------<

But this is not a further cause for sorrow, ‘faggot’

Because u have always been there

U are ancient

Not a product of the modern

But carried with the breeze

U are time destroying

Borders that have been erected

By the narcissistic evils of simple Men

U are the one who

Could never be eradicated

Despite Men’s tries and cries

The willfulness, the wonder

The spectacular collides

In u, faggot

You have it all

before they taught me to strangle the feminine inside of me… with ropes and chords they strung wires through my body and taught me to hold the drill, reinforcing the nuts and bolts with false belief that it would stop the whiplash… tight and rigid i walked through in this tired existence… my vocal chords pulled down by an ugly fist, my eyes afraid to make contact for fear that they would ‘find out’… that they would ‘find me’ under this mask i hated… i hated it… and as the mask became my reflection… i hated myself…

but that was before I knew better

before I knew better

Better I knew what I know now

I know better now, than to simply say

fuck you

or than to fuck at all

than to fucking fuck ur fucking

body like

are u fucking kidding me?

we’re not

fucking

we’re never

fucking

i’m just fucking

for myself, dancing for myself, speaking for myself, dressing for myself, being for myself (and everyone that I love), not to fulfill your simple desire, as if i would ever

serve you

willingly?

[YOU JUST WANT MY BODY]

but my effeminacy, my effeminate body, is not for you to claim or define by sexual attraction or desire, just as it is not yours to destroy, the body is not yours to consume, why must you desire such a body in such a way?

and even if you destroy this body, my body, one day with all ur stupid rage, you are not powerful enough to destroy the feminine creation, it lives on in the spirit world, the world inside of us is (inter)connected

beyond materiality

unless you detach yourself from it by violating creation

unless you destroy your place in this circle

FUCK

• oh sorry hold on… let me make another point before our departure back into our corners of this angled world:

it taught me to love myself, the reflection moving in the mirror, screaming with a smile that I once thought was forever lost to old pictures

it taught me to love my voice, maybe that’s why i had so many dreams where i could not scream when presented with danger, where i felt voiceless, helpless… as if the air was not there to breathe

but now I speak, willingly in my faggot voice, the feminine channel unclogged of your poison, it’s still being cleaned, like the ocean, my mother, changed we have been, but we are always changing and embracing change, the feminine lives here in this

place

i wouldn’t even care to ask my next question if I hadn’t already written this poem, because i’m not sure if you deserve the attention. i want to say that i wish you would realize that you are more than destroyer, that your fragility is so sad, but just thinking about it, about you, makes me feel like i’m losing myself to what you are, to your sorry world, and i want to feel whole

right now

now, whole to myself

whole with my mother

the ocean

so take it

fucker

Why do u hate my faggot voice

Y cant u listen to that sound

Is it scientific no so

Social u’ve fucking

Been conditioned to hate that sound

Lmao it’s kinda funny

cause it’s just a sound

And it’s not like it’s a blaring siren u fuck

Actually hurting ur ears 

So why does it make u uncomfortable

Why do u want to destroy the person who makes that sound

Why does it trigger u like an npc in a video game

Does it remind u of something

Echoing in ur cavern

Lmao what a tremendous sound

The sound of a faggot

Powerful enough to make people

Like you

Not powerful enough

To hear it