What embracing my gay asexual effeminacy taught me
cw: this is a performance writing exercise and includes inappropriate language (this includes the word fa——-, which the author identifies themselves by).
It taught me that femininity creates
And masculinity destroys
Creator and destroyer in me
When I was a child… when i was young… when I was… EVERYTHING
and then nothing
When ur a faggot in a Man’s world
U learn to hide urself
Plug up the holes on a
Sinking ship
U slip up sometimes
Feel the wrath of a
Fist or two
U learn to justify loneliness
Let urself convince urself
It’s okay
U learn to scream silently
Make little noises that convey
Ur sorrow
U see when ur a faggot in a
Man’s world ur not a
man at all
Ur a faggot
>----------------------------<
But this is not a further cause for sorrow, ‘faggot’
Because u have always been there
U are ancient
Not a product of the modern
But carried with the breeze
U are time destroying
Borders that have been erected
By the narcissistic evils of simple Men
U are the one who
Could never be eradicated
Despite Men’s tries and cries
The willfulness, the wonder
The spectacular collides
In u, faggot
You have it all
before they taught me to strangle the feminine inside of me… with ropes and chords they strung wires through my body and taught me to hold the drill, reinforcing the nuts and bolts with false belief that it would stop the whiplash… tight and rigid i walked through in this tired existence… my vocal chords pulled down by an ugly fist, my eyes afraid to make contact for fear that they would ‘find out’… that they would ‘find me’ under this mask i hated… i hated it… and as the mask became my reflection… i hated myself…
but that was before I knew better
before I knew better
Better I knew what I know now
I know better now, than to simply say
fuck you
or than to fuck at all
than to fucking fuck ur fucking
body like
are u fucking kidding me?
we’re not
fucking
we’re never
fucking
i’m just fucking
for myself, dancing for myself, speaking for myself, dressing for myself, being for myself (and everyone that I love), not to fulfill your simple desire, as if i would ever
serve you
willingly?
[YOU JUST WANT MY BODY]
but my effeminacy, my effeminate body, is not for you to claim or define by sexual attraction or desire, just as it is not yours to destroy, the body is not yours to consume, why must you desire such a body in such a way?
and even if you destroy this body, my body, one day with all ur stupid rage, you are not powerful enough to destroy the feminine creation, it lives on in the spirit world, the world inside of us is (inter)connected
beyond materiality
unless you detach yourself from it by violating creation
unless you destroy your place in this circle
FUCK
oh sorry hold on… let me make another point before our departure back into our corners of this angled world:
it taught me to love myself, the reflection moving in the mirror, screaming with a smile that I once thought was forever lost to old pictures
it taught me to love my voice, maybe that’s why i had so many dreams where i could not scream when presented with danger, where i felt voiceless, helpless… as if the air was not there to breathe
but now I speak, willingly in my faggot voice, the feminine channel unclogged of your poison, it’s still being cleaned, like the ocean, my mother, changed we have been, but we are always changing and embracing change, the feminine lives here in this
place
i wouldn’t even care to ask my next question if I hadn’t already written this poem, because i’m not sure if you deserve the attention. i want to say that i wish you would realize that you are more than destroyer, that your fragility is so sad, but just thinking about it, about you, makes me feel like i’m losing myself to what you are, to your sorry world, and i want to feel whole
right now
now, whole to myself
whole with my mother
the ocean
so take it
fucker
Why do u hate my faggot voice
Y cant u listen to that sound
Is it scientific no so
Social u’ve fucking
Been conditioned to hate that sound
Lmao it’s kinda funny
cause it’s just a sound
And it’s not like it’s a blaring siren u fuck
Actually hurting ur ears
So why does it make u uncomfortable
Why do u want to destroy the person who makes that sound
Why does it trigger u like an npc in a video game
Does it remind u of something
Echoing in ur cavern
Lmao what a tremendous sound
The sound of a faggot
Powerful enough to make people
Like you
Not powerful enough
To hear it
