Excerpt from a Novel That Doesn’t Exist

 "My name is Michael. I'm thirty-five. Light brown hair, blue eyes, six-one, athletic build — what you'd probably call a classic hunk. I'm also very single. Eternally single, in fact. I don’t even sleep around. Relationships with other people are just not my forte, I suppose. I do have a relationship with my job. I love my job. I fix computers. I know, boring. But it's my job, and I like doing it. It's a fairly uncomplicated kind of complexity to me. The only kind I’m good at. The only kind I can handle.

     I don’t have much contact with my clients. They just call me up and drop off their computers at my modest, low-rent apartment. I open the door. They say, "Hi, Michael!," I say hi back and lock myself inside. Sometimes they ask about Hairball, my cat. Those are the only times I say more than hi. Then I say, 'Good.' Hairball died a few years back. I don’t tell anyone. I don’t want them thinking I’m worse off than a cat lady. I am.

     My family is good. All alive. Big family. Lots of brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces... live pets, not mine... I just don't see any of them that often. The times I do are because Mom and Dad blow up my phone to drag me to some family dinner or whatever, where I usually sit quietly, eat, say hi (a lot), get showered with compliments about my "hunky looks." Those times, I say, "Thank you," and smile. The rest of the time, I'm just asked a lot of questions about life performance in general, which I do not see the point to, so I say, "It's fine, thank you."

     The evenings usually end with Mom trying to fix me up with some stranger I hadn't even noticed was there. Usually, one of her girlfriend’s daughters. Then I don't say anything at all. I just smile again, kiss Mom, and charmingly exit through the front door. I love them. I do. I just don’t know how to relate to them. Worse yet, other people’s daughters. Sometimes I just wish they were computers...

     My friends... I do have many, surprisingly... But with them, it’s a repeat of my family. Those I do see often, in various social situations, though. Also love them. Also I don't know how to relate to them. Also I wish they were computers."