A Dream
“What is asexual? Does that mean you really like the letter A?” Haha. This guy is so funny. With men like this that exist, I wish I did have a sexual fascination with letters. Despite the well-planned, sarcastic response I have in my head, I type out a different reply.
“Nope! It means I don’t feel sexual attraction towards people. Personally, I think sex is pretty disgusting.” I turn off my phone and decide to cuddle with my adorable pitbull that’s shaped like a Christmas ham. Pinky’s goofy smile gives my heart much needed warmth. After a few minutes of telling her how much of a good girl she is, I turn on my phone to see what the guy responded with. Sure enough, he did. His response was unliking me and disappearing from my feed forever. Good. However, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little hurt that yet another guy vanished before my very eyes.
Asexuality makes my already non-existent love life complicated. It’s something I can’t change and trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried, “finding the special one for me.” Listen, the only man for me is Doctor Stephen Strange from Marvel and I certainly don’t want to do the deed with him if he was actually real. I’ve tried picturing a man with a gun to my head telling me to have sex with the most charming man on the planet and I can only imagine telling him, “Well, I guess you’re just going to have shoot me because that ain’t gonna happen.” While I’ve come to accept myself, I’m afraid that guys won’t. After all, we live in a society where sex sells and is seen as a standard for any serious relationship.
I’ve installed, uninstalled, and re-installed dating apps ranging from Bumble to Tinder and every time, I’ve been very clear about my asexuality. Yet, it doesn’t stop guys from wanting to change me and asking me if we could have sex while I wear my $50 Garfield costume. Listen guys, if I can’t change myself, you certainly won’t especially with your weird sexual fantasies. How about instead of having sex, we just hold hands? That gets my heart racing right there!
I scroll through OkCupid and see if there are any new messages. I’ve been on dates with guys whose entire personality can be summed up with the word, “horny.” They were nice guys but when I brought up if they were okay with my asexuality they seemed conflicted. “Sex is an important part of a relationship for me but I’m okay with you being asexual.” If I got into a relationship with them, I knew I would have to change me and I really didn’t want that, not after many long years of denial. Yet, my poor, lonely heart yearned for love and that need only grew tenfold when I saw my friends happy with their partners.
“You seem like a really nice person but I can’t date anyone who won’t have sex with me,” is a message I just received. Geez, not even a winning personality can win me a guy! I sigh and toss my phone to the side. I walk a short distance to my sanctuary: my computer. It quietly comes back to life from its slumber and I immediately open up Discord. Without even thinking about it, I jump into a voice call with my friends.
Then, I open up Twitter. Of course, the first thing I see is my friend talking about their one year anniversary with their partner. Good for them! I’m happy for them but when I see stuff like this, it makes my need for companionship increase tenfold. Is that sad? My mind drifts, picturing myself with the perfect guy in my fairytale relationship.
It’s one where I can wake up everyday with a man by my side, get a quick cuddle in before we both have to get to work: me at my computer creating video game narratives and whatever he wants to do with his life, I’m not picky though it’ll be great if he’s a chef. When he comes home from a long day, I kiss him right on the lips and show him the meal I cooked for him. We would talk about how our day was. For me, I would probably say how writing continues to be the second love of my life and the bane of my existence. For him, maybe how he had to deal with a co-worker’s shit once again. Afterwards, we settle down in bed, cuddling up against each other while playing video games, throwing vulgar words at one another but we both know that we don’t really mean it and it’s just playful banter. Finally, before I eventually get up to do more writing, we both tell each other that we love with each other without any hesitation in either of our voices.
“Kristi!” Trev’s loud-ass voice blares through my headphones, stirring me back to reality.
“Huh?”
“We’ve been saying hi to you!”
“Oh sorry, just thinking.”
“You think?” Ryan asks.
I crack a small smile. “Fuck you, guys.”
“Kristi, you’re ace. Are you sure you want to do that?” Trev asks.
“...You know what? You’re right, nevermind.”
“So Kristi, are you going to join us in the amazing video game known as Final Fantasy 14 or are you just going to leave us hanging?” Another question and from Ryan this time.
I close Twitter.
“Hell yeah, I am!”
You know? For now, I think I’m going to be okay.
