Redefining Family
I’m curious about unspoken commitments of family. What are the ways we visibilize and clarify commitments to one another? I grew up in a white nuclear family: one mom, one dad, one sister, 3 years younger than me, in mid-Michigan where it was assumed that we would show up for each other via holidays, acts of care simply because we were related. We faked closeness.
I wanted to be close to my parents; I wanted intimacy but was left wanting. I tried to earn their love by showing up for them. I didn’t really show them who I was until I tried & then was diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses, when I revealed to them I am ace & trans–I knew that them accepting me and loving me as I am would never happen.
And it begged the question–do I stay in relationship with them because we are biologically related or do I make room for other kinds of relationships to form? I spent my 20’s going to therapy with them, learning to set boundaries with them, accepting over time that they were not interested in changing or healing, so I had a choice. In the fall of my 30th year, I said no more to the spiritual abuse, emotional neglect & financial manipulation. I broke communication with them after much deliberation–and had to start asking the questions I was scared to ask.
What do I think about chosen family? Who do I want to be chosen family for me?
What commitments are involved in order to hold the title of family?
Is chosen family about my choice or being claimed or both?
What do I want healthy family to be like? To feel like?
How do I want to contribute towards a healthy reimagining of family?
The first year of winter holidays after breaking contact, a friend said to me on the phone, “you will always have a home here” and bodily I knew those words to hold weight. There was a foundation to them, of deep trust-building. They held both grit and tenderness. I knew it also meant, “we will rearrange our lives to make room for you. There is room–for all of you.”
And I said yes. To being claimed. To make room for them emotionally in my schedule. To loving their at-the-time 4 year old–now almost 7 year old. Making space to witness her life and watch her grow up. To be a stable, loving, consistent presence.
There were direct convos each step of the way. What boundaries did I need? What space did I need? What kind of relationship did I want to have with their child? What kind of relationship did she want to have with me?
They knew I also had a lot to offer them. They weren’t “saving” me from bad conditions. I had presence, love, understanding, “co-parenting” skills, friendship. And they let me love them.
My relationship with my sister grew and deepened too. She’s still in contact with my parents + I’m not, but we’ve navigated that difference quite well. We both show up to our own lives + therapy & when we are together we connect, we offer honesty, laughter & ease. I just get to be known. We get to make different decisions, yet respect and trust one another.
On the phone, not too long ago, my sister said, “Soon, I want to have a job with paid time off, so when you get top surgery, I can come take care of you.” And I cried, because I want to be taken care of in that way too.
Various friends make up chosen family too. These are friends who are focused on their own growth, self-reflection and have witnessing and listening skills–there’s room to unfold and be in their presence. There’s space for ease and calm and joy. Conflict can be addressed honestly, but it’s constructive and assumes the best.
I’m learning day by day who I choose and who chooses me. I am learning how reciprocity feels in my energy body and spirit. I am learning to be held and receive. I am learning how to give from my full self and let people see who I really am. Intimacy must grow from honesty. And it does. And it will continue.
