existing outside the tandem sneeze fandom

I never got into tandem sneezing.

I mean, I sneeze like any other guy

and it’s fine in pairs. It’s fine!

I appreciate the sport of it, I do,

the art and the form and the subtle tricks

but at the end of the day, it’s just a sneeze.

It’s just a bit weird when so much of our culture

revolves around the tandem sneeze

and that it’s this weird taboo thing

that everyone does and nobody talks about,

you know what I mean?

For a long time I thought

there was something wrong with me

and maybe there is

I mean, my nose works fine, it’s not like that

but sneezing just doesn’t

do it for me.

It’s just a bit fucked up

to see everyone so obsessed with it

and be left on the outside,

like they’re getting tickled in a certain way

that I’m just not. You know?

And it’s something that

all the black pepper in the world

won’t fix.

And sometimes I think, maybe I never found

the right tandem sneeze partner,

maybe someday I’ll have the most 

mind-blowing sneeze of my life

and I’ll finally understand the hype,

but I doubt it.