Romantic Machinations
“So, are you married?”
I politely scoff at the question and deliver a self-deprecating remark to appear facetious and coy.
In reality, I can only see a long road of endless compromises that, If resolved, might lead to a romantic relationship, but marriage is highly unlikely and children is completely out of the question.
I’m not frustrated by romance, nor repulsed by sex. In our fast-paced world of online dating and sexual liberation, Romance doesn’t feel applicable to me and sex holds no allure at all.
Initially, I concluded that I was a Heteroromantic Asexual. Women did appeal to me and I even dated a few in my twenties, but the relationships quickly fell apart when the romantic chemistry fizzled out.
I considered Panromanticism as a possibility for over a year and felt drawn to the idea of being in love with an individual regardless of identity. Unfortunately, upon exploring that idea, I found not only was I not attracted to anyone; no one was attracted to me.
This has led me to reflect on what attraction is and how it applies to me.
After having spent several years on my own, my “romantic” attraction to others is purely aesthetic and built on ideals carelessly projected onto people. By projection I mean it’s far too easy to admire the aesthetics of another person without making any effort whatsoever to get to know them. This isn’t an issue if you respectfully admire their physical beauty like the open composition and faded brush strokes of an Impressionist painting or the tranquil view of snow covered peaks; enigmatic precipices rising above a sleepy coniferous forest to meet a smoky winter sky.
I, however, have a habit of filling in gaps of information about people with my own ideals. These ideals are then projected onto the physical aesthetic of an individual to create my “perfect” person. This completely undermines the intrinsic qualities of the individual, but I can’t honestly say I feel romantically attracted to these qualities of anyone.
I thought I fancied a friend recently. I took her out, playfully flirted and alluded to romance. The romantic gestures were eventually addressed, she politely turned me down and we agreed to focus on a friendship. The more time I’ve spent with the real her as my friend, the more insight I have gained into just how far off my ideals were from her. She has a fulfilling, sophisticated, and interesting life completely on her own. The real her far exceeded any ideal I conjured up to fill in the blanks. It has made me grateful that she turned me down.
She and I are a good platonic match, but not a romantic one. People have complex lives with complex thoughts and complex feelings. I honestly don’t understand, amidst all of this complexity, how people get together at all.
It’s fair to say the machinations of romance elude my understanding and feel undoubtedly non-applicable to me. Perhaps in time I can reverse these fictional character constructs and open my eyes and ears to more people. Romance isn’t the objective, but a deeper appreciation for the attributes of others will help to ameliorate my own life.
