A Plastic Rose

I often feel like I’m a plastic rose. Pretty as a decoration, but ultimately useless and is not actually a rose.

Hi, my name is Raphael, pronouns he/they. I am an agender trans man who happens to be asexual aromantic. What that means for me is that most days I feel very masculine, while some days I feel more ‘agender’. Sometimes I feel so masculine that I will refer to myself as a transgender man*; other times, I feel like I'm just a human. I also don’t perceive people to be attractive in both sexual and romantic departments at all; I am more attracted by someone’s kindness and personality, and I feel something more like… familial love, to people.

I am 100% perceived by society as a cis woman. Not “cis woman” as in “not passing at all despite trying to”, but “cis woman” as in “a very feminine AFAB person who identifies as nonbinary and not trying to pass at all”. See, as an AFAB person, besides looking very feminine naturally by virtue of having super chubby cheeks, curves, and being less than five feet tall, I also prefer to have my hair long (and I took great care of it as I want to grow it out past the waist); I love makeup to death (so much that I often get reprimanded by my family because how long I take to get ready and because I often wear makeup that is too glam for the occasion); and I desperately want the confidence of those Instagram baddie so that I can wear revealing bodycon clothes comfortably (much to my dismay, I am too much of an introvert for that, but I’m getting better though).

From what I’ve described above, you probably already think that my identities are being oxymoronic to each other. Even though I know that our community is evolving to be more inclusive, I personally feel that a certain stereotype of what an asexual (and aromantic) people should look like and/or act remains. Asexual people are assumed to be “prudes”, dress more conservatively, express complete disinterest (maybe even repulsion) in sex (and romance), and even be introverted. Right now, save for the introverted thing, I am none of those things. For instance, I am a person who likes to read NSFW literary works; I like smut novels and porn fanfics very much. Even though I am not attracted to people that way, sometimes I would like to have a sexual and romantic partner and I wouldn’t mind engaging in those acts. 

Also, because of the supposed discrepancy between my gender identity or feelings and my actual presentation to the world, me feeling not trans enough is an understatement; there’s still so much gendered stereotypes regarding men or a masculine identifying person, whether cis, trans, or nonbinary, and it’s not going anywhere. A man or a masc person must be masculine – looking: short hair, beard, muscles, tall, and only wearing sensible, dull – colored clothes, like T – shirt, jeans, and sport shoes. No skirts, blouses, and heels. Oh, and no makeup. Never, ever. Also, act aggressively and drench yourself as much as possible with the juice of toxic masculinity. Be sexually aggressive. A real man is a playboy. If a cis man loses even one of those elements, then he is “not a real man”. If he’s trans, he better sport as much as the stereotypes above, much more than cis men. Otherwise, he’s just a “trender” trying to get attention.

As a transmasculine person, again, I am none of those things. There’s something about being a feminine and asexual transmasc person that makes me feel very, very much an impostor even among queer people and spaces. I often think about when I get compliments about how beautiful I am because how I present, especially compared to before I decided to embrace my femininity and take care of myself. My relatives would often (jokingly) ask me whether I already had a boyfriend (always a boyfriend) and why a person as beautiful as me was still single. They would say that “all women would get married and have kids at a certain age”. When I said “sometimes I don’t want to marry anyone”, they told me I should not think like that. I am not immune to the message that “an old single woman is expired”. In my country, an unmarried woman or a widow is very much looked down upon.

I also am not immune to the bombardment of messages that say “women (and any feminine presenting people) who are trying to be ‘sexy’ or ‘feminine’ are ‘trying desperately to get attention from men’”. It makes me feel like I’m just seeking men’s attention, even if nobody directly tells me so. My love of colorful eyeshadows and “sexy” cut clothes supposedly make me “easy”, “deceitful”, and “a whore” (men like their women natural; don’t wear something too revealing or you’re a slut!): everything that an asexual person (supposedly) isn’t.

Because of the assumption that looking “masculine” = being a man or masc-gendered, I almost always feel like I’m a “trender”, that I am invalid, and that nobody will see me as a masculine person just by virtue of being an AFAB feminine person who is not on hormones and likes to dress up to the nines. I am perceived just a cis woman who is “looking for attention”. Also, remember when I said that the prevailing social assumption is that “a real man should have many sexual partners, be a playboy”? I am also made to feel like I am not “trans enough” because I am asexual! Men and masc people are not supposed to be asexual; the assumption is that most asexuals are DFAB, prudish, and maybe androgynous! An asexual man is therefore perceived as a “failed man”. He doesn’t exist. He’s an oxymoron. As a result of this perception, some people may think I will make the trans community look bad.

Add femininity to the mix, and it complicates things even further. I feel like an absolute impostor. I am not really asexual because I am “sexy” and “feminine”. I am not really “masculine” because I am “feminine” and asexual. I feel like I am a disgrace to both trans and asexual communities, and I don’t fit into the cishet community either. No matter how supportive the community I have, it feels like these feelings won’t ever go away. 

Remember what I said about “feeling like a plastic rose”? I am not actually a rose (a “cis woman”); I am made of something else, even though I look very close to one. I might be attractive, but ultimately I have no scent and I cannot pollinate the bees that would come to me (because I’m asexual); I am “useless”. I am just a plastic rose: something that is only good to look at, just a replica of the real thing.

I am sick of feeling like I cannot be anything other than a cishet allosexual woman, just by the way I look and/or act. I am sick of the assumptions. I am sick of stereotypes. I am sick of the expectations. I am sick of being a “trender”, being a “fake”. I am sick of being a disgrace. I am sick of being erased. I am sick of being invisible.

But what can a single plastic rose do?

* Note: it seems like I’m conflating between manhood and masculinity; this is not the case, and I only want to speak for myself regarding my gender experiences. I am fully aware that not all masculine gender are male, and that transmasc =/= trans man.