To You, From 2019
If I could go back to 2019, I would have told myself “Do not expect this relationship to be any different.” Before you, I was hurt many times. This happened a year after writing about my high school experience in Aze’s journal “Pride and Prejudice.” An article which you ironically read yet took nothing from about how I deserved to be treated. In January of 2019, I had a lot to process. My grandma had just passed away, the only grandparent I ever knew but was so thankful to have known, and a breakup. I had just gotten out of a 2 1/2-year relationship with someone who sexualized me, treated me as a trophy not a partner, and assaulted me. Yet somehow, you ended up being worse in the end, but that’s getting ahead of myself.
It was a period of my life where I felt I needed to run and hide to protect myself. My previous relationship, I entered because I needed a friend turned stalker to leave me alone. It was the wrong intentions to have going into a relationship I will admit, but I was also 16 and he was 19, do you see the picture? But this time, there was you. You were a friend I met through unusual circumstances, but I was grateful to talk to everyday because I thought you understood me. You were just like me in a way. You loved to meet new people, play video games, listen to music, and you are LGBT, just like me. The difference between you and them was, you weren't a man. Now I know, that's the only difference. We met through a game I've been playing with in-person and virtual friends since 2009. It was sheer luck at the time because we had no mutual friends, I just happened to be online at my usual time.
This game was my escape, through everything going wrong in my life. But you were there. We hit it off, and eventually it turned into more. I thought maybe because you didn't know what I looked like for a while, that your intentions were genuine. When we met in-person, I thought this was it. There's nothing like young love until you truly meet the right person for you, I know that difference now. At the end of January 2019, it was official. I knew I was panromantic before you, but I never had to come out officially to my family and some of my friends. I knew I wasn't going to lose anyone because most of them already knew I was asexual at the least or had some suspicions. Yet, you never accepted my asexuality.
The relationship was a dumpster fire if I could simplify it. Towards the end, I felt more like a therapist than a girlfriend and it was breaking me mentally. Every panic attack I had was a fight and every sad emotion I expressed was followed up with an "I have it worst, you at least have this." After months to a year of driving to another state to visit you and trying to be supportive in every way a human can possibly be, I broke. I was having mental breakdowns every week while your solution was to yell at me or suggest we take a break from the relationship.
The worst thing anyone has ever said to me, even up until now (2022/2023) was, "If you lived in Philadelphia, I would have had sex with you every day and stayed with you." On top of that, a week before that statement you tried doing physical things with me while talking about you ex. When I cried, you didn't even acknowledge what you did a moment beforehand. That was the end for me. Even by another woman, all I was was an object, a source of sexual desire and fetishization, nothing more. You even had the audacity to mention you wanted to have sex with other people and then come back to me, like you deserved me.
Months later in early 2020, you came back by annoying my friends through discord and Instagram texts and asking for my forgiveness, for us to be friends again, and insinuated getting back together. You said you only said hurtful things because you needed space but knew how damaging to me that previous statement was, especially for someone who rarely has any sexual desire to begin with. Towards the end of the relationship and even after, you would take the opportunity to try bonding with me again. Yet if I said something that hurt you, you'd say something along the lines that I will never mean anything to you again. It drove me crazy trying to figure out my place in your life, so I decided to remove you out of mine.
After everything, I found out you were talking to your friends about things we used to do physically. Even with the very little boundaries I had, my walls came crashing down. The one thing I asked, to this day I know is still not respected and it kills me. Once you were out of my life, I continued to spiral in anxiety and trauma up until November of 2022. An almost one-year relationship caused me 2-3 years of trauma I still have to cope with. I blamed myself for months and years thinking "I was the worst, I didn't do enough, I don’t deserve to be happy." I hope you know now, I see my worth again without you. Throughout my experiences I have learned to cherish myself. Regardless of if someone is straight or LGBT, sometimes they will not understand or take the time to understand Asexuality. Asexuals are not broken. We are here, we exist, and we deserve to be valued in our relationships.
I can finally say, I am much healthier and happier without her. From 2022 until some day, I have someone who understands the Asexual experience, and loves me. Throughout my healing process, I have written some lyrics that I will be making into a song sometime in the future. Here is an excerpt about you.
"A Hate Letter"
Not knowing you
Would have saved me from spiraling at night
During the day when you could have just gone away
Instead of my mind and heart having to decay
I am proud of the me I have become without you near
But I still have thoughts of what I could have been if you were never there
Would I have been whole enough to get over my past or happy enough to just push through
I truly believed you were a good friend before the end of 2019
I could write a whole book of what you did to me
How you betrayed my trust for gossip and encouragement
While liking other girls sexy Insta pics
And had photos of you kissing your ex
While I helped planned your surprise birthday party with your family
How I was your second therapist while you knew my past
Taking away my choice to conserve my body, over and over again
How you disrespected me like the other men before
But instead of telling my side for the first time, I will just write in the sky that I hated you and I
This is my hate letter
To those I will never speak to
Was it fun to hurt someone who was already broken?
or was it not your intention yet you watched my suffering
I kept this inside for years
While you prosper
I find myself drowning in the past moments of tomorrow, yesterday, and back then
If you think this is about you, it probably is
This is my hate letter
