A doubtful confession

Traditional ideas of love never really made sense to me. 
I wasn't really sure what that was, or what that looked like.
Sure I had some examples from movies and TV, but it all felt pretty dramatic, heightened.
Just characters playing out on a screen. 
I don't know if I ever thought that it would be that serious. 
And sure I might have seen some examples in my family and some friends - but that also never felt like a fit for me.
Especially as I learned more about the ways that I ended up an outlier.

Multiple ways, multiple layers. 
Even the feelings I might have had for others when I was younger..
enough rejection, enough times where it doesn't work out it makes me wonder...
why do people keep searching for this?

why do they build their lives around romantic love?
I don't even remember really having that as a goal. 
And even in the one instance so far where I seriously considered it, might still a little open to it
My expectations will never go that far, no. 

Besides my asexuality, my insistence on my gender-less self often had a way of turning people away. 

I'm sure that along with other things makes things difficult.
I'm a pretty.. particular kind of presence and I don't care to deny it now. 
At this point, I'm just trying to lean into it. 

And it's easier for me to focus on the aspects that I can genuinely trust. 

I had been spending the past few years actually focusing on my friends
And focusing on a future where the friends I have, the friends I could make would be the main ones 
I could care for. 

And that still remains the case for me. But it's hard to shake that little desire for affection, companionship that 
shows up every so often. That leaves me open to giving things a little try, just a small attempt. 

But only.. only if those are willing to understand, to learn the ways I do not, and can not operate the same as most.
That my motivations for care are not the same, despite the depth of my feelings potentially being quite strong. 

One must be genuinely be okay, welcoming of that. Given I want to be able to make sure others have that space with me, it’s the least I could hope, reach for, if I bother doing so. 

And maybe then, I can figure out what a 'love'  or ‘loves’ could look like. Custom builds, unique to the connections I manage to forge.
If not, there will be other options. I will always leave room for those.